Contacting Ex

Getting Back With Your Ex Step 4 - Contact With Your Ex

Alright, so you've gone No Contact. Weeks have passed. You've done all sorts of things to improve yourself, and you've stayed positive and outgoing rather than sitting at home all sullen and withdrawn.

You've put your best foot forward and presented the best possible you again. So what's next?

Talking to Ex

Well, now it's time to get back in touch with your ex.

Hopefully, if you did everything right, your ex will have called YOU. This is because you made all the right moves.

  • First you agreed with the breakup. This created a unified front, where your boyfriend or girlfriend was forced to stop seeing you as an adversary. Rather than someone trying to change their mind, your ex saw you as more of an ally; someone independent and mature enough to agree with their decision. This ended any neediness and conflict.
  • Next, you disappeared from your ex's radar. This created a giant hole in their life where you used to be. It also enforced the fact that you won't be chasing them, which will make all future contact a hell of a lot easier when you do get back in touch. This raised your value in your ex's eyes.
  • While gone, you went completely No Contact. You didn't email, call, text message or get in touch with your ex in any way. Your ex began wondering where you went, and how you could get over the relationship so quickly. It shook their confidence, and forced them to let go of you all at once rather than little by little. This made your ex miss you.
  • Finally, you improved on every aspect of your life. You look better, you feel better, you dress better. You're trying new things, and even doing some of the old ones you used to do when your ex first met you. Maybe you even started dating again. Any and all information that drips back to them through friends shows your ex the same thing: that somehow, you're having a blast without them. This created envy and jealousy.

By now, your ex is curious. You've undergone a dramatic transformation. On top of that, everything they expected you to do... you've done the opposite.

Instead of chasing them, you went the opposite way. Instead of trying to get them back, you've apparently moved on. Instead of being sad, or upset, or distraught over the breakup, you're out laughing and playing and having a great time... all without this person who used to be such a big part of your life.

These things WILL turn your ex around. They will force your former boyfriend or girlfriend to make that first phone call, or initiate that text message, just to see what the hell is going on.

If your ex hasn't called by this point, try these additional reconnection techniques. They're perfect for putting yourself back in your ex's mind and getting them to turn their attention back upon you again, even if they've stubbornly refused all levels of contact.

What to Do When Your Ex First Calls You

How to handle that initial contact after the breakup

When your ex calls you, it will always happen when you least expect it. The phone will ring, your eyes will drop to the caller ID, and your heart will skip a beat.

Holy shit... What do I do? What should I even say?

Well, the first thing you need to do is NOT answer the phone. That's right, when your ex finally calls? Keep that willpower up and allow it go right to voicemail.

One of the biggest things your ex is thinking right now is that you've detached from them. You WANT THEM TO THINK THIS.

Remember, the goal here is to get your ex to start chasing after YOU. This gives you all the power, all the control, and when you finally do get back together? It makes your ex seem like they're really getting something, rather than just settling for the same old relationship. Something cool, something new and exciting. Most important of all, something valuable that they never should've let go of to begin with.

Getting back together is essentially a power struggle. The person who breaks things off has all the power, and unless you take it back from them, there's no chance of them wanting you back. By not answering your former boyfriend or girlfriend's phone call right away, you're giving the impression that you're too busy. You're out doing something fun, or cool, and something so important that you're not even taking their phone call.

Believe me when I say this damages their ego. And it's not like you want to crush your ex's psyche - not really - but you do need to knock your ex down a peg when it comes to how they view and value you.

Before you start to feel badly, remember: your ex threw you away. Now that you've got them curious, you need to get them interested. Pick up the phone too quickly and you'll seem over-eager. Over-eagerness will spook your ex here, and that's not what you want.

Picture a fish (your ex), and you're dangling a worm. You need to be silent. Cool. Quiet. If you make any sudden moves in your ex's direction, they're going to turn tail and swim away. But if you gently pull the hook back a bit, and lead your ex onward? They're going to be even more interested in what you're doing.

What to Say to Your Ex on the Phone

Everything you do, say, or text to your ex is important

After your ex leaves a message, listen to it. It'll probably be friendly. It most likely will come with a reason attached; an excuse that your ex needed in order to call you. Most likely it will be bogus, but you don't call them out on it. At this point, you want to encourage future contact, not dissuade it.

You want to wait a day before calling your ex back. Or if they text-message you, wait about four hours. This establishes that you're busy, but that you're still interested in talking to them. Be friendly, be cool, and above all else, be confident. Start off with something like:

"Hey stranger, how's it going?"

Since your former boyfriend or girlfriend is the one who called, let them do most of the talking. Listen to what they have to say, and try to pick up on any verbal cues or indications they're still interested. Very often your ex will give off signs, without even knowing it, that they've still be thinking about you. Which they obviously must be, since they contacted you.

You want to make small talk here. Ask how your ex has been doing, what they've been up to, etc... Talk about work, school, family. That sort of thing.

  • DON'T pry them for information.
  • DON'T talk about whether or not they've been seeing other people.
  • DON'T talk about your breakup. That topic is taboo for now, and you have to avoid it at all costs.

Make sure your ex knows that you're happy. This is accomplished best by just being comfortable, and mentally treating this phone call as if you're still actually together. If you brag too much about all the great things you've been doing (or the people you've been seeing), your ex will know you're faking it. And that's bad, because it will set you back several steps in getting them to come back.

Finally, one of the biggest things you have to do is end the phone call yourself. This means you keep it short, keep it sweet, and you bail early before your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you they have to go. Close the conversation with something like:

"Hey listen, sorry, but I've really got to run. It was good hearing from you though. Give me another shout soon, and I promise we'll have more time to talk. Cool?

See how casual that sounded? How smoothly you ditched the phone call, but still gave a vague indication of interest? That's what you want.

On top of that, you suggested your ex call you again. You even 'promised' the subtle reward of more contact, meaning the next time they called you'd be able to talk to them more. By leaving the conversation early, you left your ex wanting more. You're reeling that hook in slowly, regaining their interest little by little.

Best of all, you don't seem the least bit like you need your ex to call again. You're so damned busy with other things, hearing from them is little more than an afterthought.

What to Do if Your Ex Hasn't Contacted You

Other crucial methods for getting your ex to make the first move

Let's face it, everyone's different. What works for some people might not work for others, and sometimes an ex is stubborn in that they haven't called or contacted you at this point.

If that's the case, more detailed help is available. The Ex Factor Guide, by Brad Browning, tells you exactly what to do next when your ex hasn't gotten in touch with you yet.

Brad details several more methods for eliciting contact, as well as ways YOU can reach out to your ex in order to get the ball rolling. And since both genders are often different, he's actually written two guides: one for men and one for women:

The Ex Factor System isn't just written; it's a series of amazing videos as well. Make sure you watch them all, as each of them details a different aspect of re-attraction, value, and how to handle every level of the breakup, from opening moves to ways you can STAY together long after you've gotten your lover back.

Once you've reconnected with your ex a few times, it's time to see them again:

The Reunion Date - Meeting Up With Your Ex

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The Magic of Making Up